Updated: Dec 19, 2020
Fourteen years ago, I learned about CBT to help myself through the fears stuck in my head (brain!)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a more modern approach to psychology – the objective is to look at negative thoughts and beliefs and then challenge them and remove them.
Since I started writing my blog, I have had so many emails and questions through comments on my posts asking me how to let go of fear?
Fear of debt was the most common question! For some, it's fear instilled by others, and for others, it's mind over matters! I was told that I wouldn't get the help of penny if I didn't agree to accept his terms! His terms were to take his mistress as his official second wife!
At that point, I was nobody! But I also believed that nobody has somebody in need. I felt the power of some heavy support but nothing visible to sight- it was just that feeling, that I should be fine and survive! I called it my guardian angel!
Let's take a look at that 'debt' situation again, shall we? Sure, it's not ideal. But the worst-case scenario is that you would lose your money or luxury and, for some, go bankrupt. You might be forced to sell your house or, in my case, be robbed of everything and get betrayed!
But would you be homeless? Yes, that's what my fear was!
I had an old school friend who came to my rescue when I was in the hospital being questioned what happened to me?
The friend explained to me that if I don't appear "a woman in control," then I will lose my kids to social care - another fear in mind! She also mentioned that the government would support you, so don't suffer here and get bullied by a man who is trying to threaten you with the power of his filthy mind! Decide your fate. My real fear was losing my kids! So I overcame the fear by changing my mindset into believing I was fine rather than counting my losses! A technique that I use with clients when coaching them through life's hurdles.
I had another fear! How would I change my children's lifestyle from living in a big beautiful house to moving into a small tiny little home with no luxury? What if, for whatever reason, I wasn't provided with housing? Then I would probably move in back with him, and that will be the end of progress! What if I won't find work? My mind, filled with fear, started speaking to me in riddles! Who will give employment to a woman who can't speak proper English or hasn't had a work history in this country? What if people laugh at how stupid I am as I did not know about current affairs? What will I do as my family is not supportive! What will people think? Fear after fear... Fear and ego play hand in hand!
Fear is a word that shouldn't exist! We all use the word fear to give solace to our problems. The word fear is used to cover the possibilities and undermine the brain powers!
The point is: there is always a way. And yes, life can be challenging, but that's just part of its charm. It's like a test, and if you have a plan and you're willing to put in the work, then you'll be fine. There is the possibility that you choose to drop your ego and ready to face the world that will judge you! Now when I say the plan, I had no plan back then! I went with my gut feelings. I moved out of the big house to a friend's two-bedroom home with my four children before I received assistance to re-home. I had no plan for the next step! I did all sorts of part-time jobs to help make two ends meet; from a carer to a caterer, from childminder to dropping yellow pages and working at a charity shop to working as a florist, filling ‘the shelves! to working as an admin and receptionist!
Work didn't stop, and learning grew! I did evening courses, weekend courses, and got whatever I could to get my train moving! I gained extensive knowledge and certificates such as a reiki master, integrative nutrition to a dietician, yoga, and baby massage teacher, massage therapist to a life coach working with autistic children.
"I grew and so did my children."
I'm now a well-being chef and coach. Something that I'm currently enjoying before I learn another skill and discover my capabilities!
My point is, I utilized my weakened mind to be a productive one! I started earning from nothing to making two ends meet, to raising stars who made it into great universities, to finding love and companion! I made whole new friends and built a devoted clientele and an amazing, supportive following. I did this by kicking the fear out of my brain! I kept reminding myself that if I could survive a bully, a narcissist, then I could survive anything!
I was never happy in my heart to take financial ‘help’ from others. It was against my principles. In my younger days, I had learned to work from the age of 12 until the age of 17 when I got married. I worked to pay my school fees, and my mother had always taught us, girls, to work hard and never take anything for free. So the idea of taking hand-outs was a massive slap to how I had wished my life to be! So I decided to work! Work extremely hard, and my personal goal was to earn enough to take myself off any support I received (a story to be told another time!). Temporarily, with the help of two to three very different people who unexpectedly stepped, I was able to give shelter and protection to my four children and myself.
Now, I was out of the big luxury house and into my small little home surrounded by my bacha's (little kids!). Even though I was in outstanding financial debt (his credit card debts taken out in my name!!!!!), I had no bank account or any assets or inheritance! I had no idea how I would pay my bills, his debt, or bring nutritional food onto the empty plates. But there was a feeling of happiness! The happiness of freedom! I remember my kids used to find me smiling to myself, and they would ask the reason? I used to say, "mummy is happy because she feels like she could fly," and they used to smile along with me!
Once you know you can take one step, followed by another; from there you can tap into reservoirs of power and strength you never knew you had.
And if you do the reverse: if you use visualisation to picture the reason you're doing what you're doing and to see the tangible reward at the end of the road, then you can dip into an incredible well of motivation, creativity, power, and determination.
I used the power within me to erase those who wrote my story and decided to rewrite it all myself! I became the author of my book! I agreed to a clean start from nothing to contentment!
I know our parents always say marry for security! What is this security? For most, it's financial security! However, if this so called ‘security’ means a lifetime of unhappiness, then spare yourself of this imprisonment.
In my case, it was only when I was able to escape from this ‘prison’ was I able to discover ‘myself’ and the joy from utilising myself to produce something productive that sustains my mind, body, and soul. That is security! Thinking selfishly of oneself is not the way forward; thinking of benefiting your surroundings is security!
Walking alone is not fear; it's walking with who?
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